It’s Neighbours 20th Anniversary, but WE get the presents! The Lassiters Death Plane ™ crashed!! But the real winner tonight was Australian drama, thanks to some Top Gun acting. The drama coach earnt their money this week, that’s for sure.
We open on the Death Plane, where Izzy asks Paul about the note. He denies writing it, and suggests that it was left there by previous passengers. Izzy then confronts Elle, who also denies writing the note. During their exchange, Izzy starts rabbiting on about how happy she is in her skin right now and even Elle is looking at her like ‘Yeah, so? You mistake me for someone who gives a flying fuck.
Stu has Stingray in the interrogation room at the police station, which looks a bit like the single classroom at Erinsborough High, but it’s got interrogation lights and big tape recorders and stuff.
At the Scully’s, where Rachel and Zeke are nowhere to be seen – despite the fact that Janelle is supposed to be babysitting them – Brie takes a call from some famous book publisher. She hands the phone to Janelle, who thinks it’s a hoax set up by Joe, so she calls the publisher a tart and hangs up on her. Brie (who Wardrobe clearly hate, because they are dressing her to look way fat) explains that the publisher was for real, and fortunately she calls straight back so Janelle can take the call seriously.
Connor and Serena are making puppy dog faces at each other on the plane. Connor is saying something in Irish about going to the cops. I think Susan and Alex are talking about joining the mile high club, while Dylan is about to tell Sky about the robbery when the bomb goes off.
But in possibly the worst piece of editing in Neighbours EVER, we have a quick cut to Janelle and Brie jumping around the loungeroom like ‘tards getting all excited about the book deal, when suddenly Janelle sees a vision of Dylan making a something at the kitchen bench. She goes a bit pale and tells Brie she’s just giddy. Or something.
The plane is slowly going down, there are some pilots, Paul is yelling at them. David is telling Serena to read the safefty card as everyone else is putting on lifejackets. Alex flips out about Rachel and Zeke and Susan tells him the Karl will look after them. That’s if he can find them, Susan, because they aren’t at Lyn Scully’s house.
Now, perhaps someone else can help me out here, because in the very next scene – as in, while the plane is still going down – Janelle and Wheel-of-brie are in the interrogation room at the police station, where they seem to be midway through a meeting with Toadie. Is the police station, like, next DOOR or something? How’d they get there so fast?
Back in the plane, Connor is praying. Because he’s Irish, you know. So he’s praying to his Catholic god. Behind him, Dylan starts laughing maniacally, and Sky asks him what he’s laughing at. He says he suddenly realised that he loves his mum. And then he screams out ‘Did you hear that mum??’. Sky is really excited about dying because it will be the coolest thing to talk about at school on Monday, or something, and also because she’ll get to see her mum. Fuck, Sky, I seriously wonder whether Stephanie Macintosh actually thinks her character is cool, or whether, like the rest of us, thinks Sky is a complete cunt?
Back at the police station, Janelle is talking about how Dylan is no good, and she HAS NO SON. Ahahahahahah.
On the plane, the fuel finally runs out, and the engines stop. The plane begins it’s swan dive, and everyone says their goodbyes.
Then suddenly the plane is finally under water. Serena and Connor are in the water inside the plane, Susan is outside the plane screaming out for Alex, but finds Izzy instead. Then they see Elle bobbing around so Izzy races over to her. I should mention that the water is a bit rough, so it’s not really a picnic for them.
At the police station, Stu come into the interrogation room to tell Toadie and co. that the plane has gone down. They look a bit shocked, but to be honest, Brie and Janelle put more muscle into their ‘Yay we got a book deal’ scene.
In the plane, Serena and Connor are trapped inside the plane and it sounds a bit like it’s going to sink. Serena complains that she is ‘so --- s-s-ooo c-c-cold’ and Connor says to her ‘Jack, no Jack! Don’t fall asleep! No Jack!! Don’t die!’, but then Titanic called and said ‘Stop ripping off our script’, so they changed it to ‘Serena, we’ve got to get out of here’.
"God's will be done" – 19/01/2006
Serena took her last breath. Enjoy with me now:
Serena and Connor are still inside the plane, Connor tells her they have to take their life jackets out so the can swim out of the plane, she says ‘But we’ll drown!’ and he says ‘No we won’t!’ and so they take them off, swim out of the plane and get this, Serena totally drowns! I know! I bet Connor was completely thrown that his excellent plan was a flop.
At the General Store, Harold washes the dishes before returning home to await news of his family, because of health department regulations. Oh Harold, you are such a trouper.
At the Scully’s, Joe and Janelle bond over their shared grief, and Lyn returns from the movies with Rachel and Zeke. We proceed to have a bullshit, time wasting scene of Wheel-of-brie making up some story about Bouncer Five pissing on Lyn’s new cushions being the cause of the mass hysteria. Whatthefuck? Oh, and Stingray is in the slammer.
Later on, Lyn, Brie, Joe and Janelle go over to Harold’s place, where funereal choir music is playing as everyone marches in, white-faced, for cuppas.
Lyn worries about the fact that they haven’t told Rachel and Zeke about Alex being missing. She’s not concerned about the fact she’s left Oscar in the capable hands of Janae. Brie assures Lyn that Janae knows where they all are, so I don’t know, I guess Janae prefers her beauty sleep to worrying about Dylan.
Janelle is being the voice of reason and telling everyone that no one will have survived because they were all wearing party clothes, and Harold screams at her to shut up. Harold storms out and Janelle tells everyone about her vision of Dylan the previous night, and she has taken it to mean that she will never see her son again.
On the radio, the newsreader announces that one survivor has been picked up suffering exposure and cuts. Everyone at the Bishop’s place is quite pissed off to hear that it was Paul who survived. The newsreader continues and says that authorities are treating the crash as suspicious, so Janelle says it was a bomb. Janelle is the only person who says anything intelligent in this whole episode.
Harold makes everyone pray.
Connor has made it to the beach, and he stumbles along it and finds Dylan who is face down in seaweed. He wakes Dylan up and they have a cuddle over their lost ladiez. Hee, they are both going sooo bald. They can’t hide it with their mullets all wet.
At the Bishops, the newsreader (who conveniently is reading out the names of survivors as they are rescued – something I’ve never come across in all my years of tuning into mass rescue efforts) announces that Izzy and Elle have been rescued. Karl gets angry at Harold’s god, who clearly is a cock, because he’s saved Izzy and not Susan, who is apparently worth ‘a thousand Izzys’. Max goes to punch him, and Harold demands to know how he can believe one life is worth more than another. Um, Harold, Karl is right. Izzy is scum. I love her, but she is scum. Sorry Hazza.
Brie goes back to her place, and Rachel and Zeke race out asking why the fuck everyone is over at the Bishop’s place. Before she can tell them what’s up, Karl runs in to tell them that ‘It’s okay, you’re dad’s been found’. Ooh, that was a little bit awkward.
The kids ask about Susan, and Karl says they have no news yet. Rachel says ‘But what will dad do without her?’. Hahahahha, that was a LOT bit awkward.
Back on the beach, the fugitives are feeling guilty. Yawn.
At the Bishop’s the newsreader with a direct line to god announces that four more people have been rescued, the first two are randoms – presumably these were Lassiters staff – then Sky, and then you can’t hear the fourth name because everyone is cheering to loudly. I could have gone to the tape, but I really didn’t care. The all say that if Sky’s okay then Dylan is okay. I’m sorry, but where is the logic in a statement like that?
On the beach, the condemned men discuss whether or not they should avoid rescue, with Connor deciding that his life insurance is worth more to Maddy than his life is. I could have told him that. Oh someone give Harold some coke he looks like he needs it.
More fun and games tomorrow.