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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in UK NEIGHBOURS UPDATES' LiveJournal:

Friday, January 27th, 2006

neighbours updates w/e 27/1/06
Well this week was so so althought i wish someone would bomb the outcast island that dylan and connor are on. And put Janae there while they are at it.

I want some of what harolds onCollapse )
Monday, January 23rd, 2006

Im off to get drunk so this is a lightning recap of another shit episode of Neighbours. They promised us a week of action and gave us one night of it.

"The Art of Camouflage" 23/1/06

Janae and Boyd. No really CHANT IT SKY AND BOYD TOGETHER FOREVERCollapse )
Friday, January 20th, 2006

Thursday, January 19th, 2006

Sorry I didn’t give the update yesterday I was too over the top filled with excitement to do so.
It’s Neighbours 20th Anniversary, but WE get the presents! The Lassiters Death Plane ™ crashed!! But the real winner tonight was Australian drama, thanks to some Top Gun acting. The drama coach earnt their money this week, that’s for sure.

Tuesday, January 17th, 2006

Monday, January 16th, 2006

I know we didnt see death today, lucky for alex - he will get his time soon. BELIEVE ME. Anyway i am doing a recap all this week because of the death plane excitment, and on monday as i believe that to be the end of death plane week. So fasten your seatbelts. (ahah the irony)

Oh i must apologise for last weeks update, i was drunkered to the MAX when it was written. Anyway on another note they are going behind an LJ cut due to request. Also although i try not to, sometimes spoilers will be in here, i dont think they are much but its just a warning.

From queer to absurdity - so so neighbours - "16th January 2006"

Saturday, January 14th, 2006

week ending 13/01/06

I have a stupid amount of work to do. Neighbours bugged me all week. Did it you? thought so.

Ah here we go...(i should be in the chemical brothers or something)

Connor among thieves: 9/01/06

Stuart comes over to take down the details but looks a bit suss at Connor's story. As anyone would: "So you only got a look at one of the guys?" "Uh, yeah, the other one was at the door- I mean he was the one that hit me from behind." "But your injuries look like you were hit from the front." "Well, I was. Um, it, it all happened so fast!" SOME SERIOUSLY SHIT ACTING GOING ON HERE.

Moving onto an even more shit storyline where Max tells Steph about the vintage scotch and mentions the cost of it was $800. He's quite open about it all! Steph is takenaback but Max says it's number four on his "list of things to do before the baby is born". Steph seems to accept this readily(!) Yep, that's fine after having to mortgage themselves to the hilt and get bank loans to buy Izzy out of the Scarlet Bar, a child at private school and a new baby on the way. Ahem. Yea right.Steph tells Max she hasn't thrown out the box. Instead she went to the library and "did some research" and discovered that a farmhouse was once built on their property and that the family had 3 babies that died within 5 years. She thinks the box has something to do with it and that it's a curse. So she thinks they should move. Naturally. When Max points out that that's a bit much, she brings up the whole "but our baby is SUCH a miracle, it's sooo special" saga again. Max just rolls his eyes. So do i.

Some tin action from hazza (seriously he still looks really coked out of his face) and some band shit but i dont care so im not writing about it. Then some Boyd and Janae stuff but there is enough of them later in the week.So no im not updating them. I might ass the "god shes beautiful" line from Boydy in his head about Janae nearly made me sick. No really enough.

Toadie tells Ned he likes drinking vodka and cranberry and that so do Elton John and George Michael. I have to say personally i dont so if you ever buy me a drink dont let it be that. Ned still looks puzzled and then asks Toadie if he's gay. Toadie coughs and splutters before probably running home to lift some weights and watch wrestling and do lots of other manly things.

Stuart asks Connor if he saw the weapon, but he claims to be confused - he was bending down behind the counter when he was hit from behind. Stuart says the position of the injuries look like he was being hit from the front. Connor says it is all a bit of a blur and he still feels dizzy. Serena takes him off home.

At the bikini shop, Toadie tells the others that they can't get the stolen money back on insurance because two people have to take the money to the night safe and that didn't happen. He tells Serena it's her fault and she should have been following procedures. Serena gets upset and i laugh. HARD. i cant wait to watch her die.

Then there is some shit with carmella and connor but i am sick of this storyline so no.

Paul tells Max that he thinks Izzy has relapsed - based on her behaviour he thinks she's back on the pills. Paul wants Izzy to go into rehab, but he's also afraid that pushing the issue will put her further on to a downward spiral.Shame Dr Karl hates them cos he would come in real handy around now i mean after all he is like DOCTOR OF THE WORLD.  

Lou gives David his weekly lottery ticket, but he says he's given up gambling in becoming a Salvo. Harold says there's no harm in it - David's not a Salvo yet. David relents and says he'll give the dream one last crack! He couldnt possibly win? could he? WTF do you think.

For no apparent reason, Lil is over at Steph and Max's and sees the box by the bin. Because she has all special witchy gypsy powers and shit, she insists on "sensing the vibes" of it and says it appears to be a ritual for bringing good luck to parents expecting children. She thinks they should replace the box where it was. They say that they will. What a pile of crap for a storyline. Let me guess, next week they find a secret magic land in the back of their wardrobe?

"someone" anonymously drops off the money in a bag and leaves it outside the shop with an apology note. Which basically says, "Sorry we took the money. It was a bad idea."  Yea cos i know so many thieves who do this. Like when my friend had her bag nicked they came back the next day saying sorry i didnt mean it, im sorry have it back. IDIOTS FOR FUCKS SAKE. 


Ned tells Stuart about Toadie acting strange. Stuart says it's because he thinks Ned's gay and Stuart is starting to think he is as well. He tells Ned that's okay. And that's it. Is anyone else bored of this yet?

Take this mob and shove it - no comment neccessary - 10/01/06

Same shit storyline with connor etc. BORING

Some crap about muckup day. We all know its going to be shit so why am i recapping it. im not.

Izzy gives Carmella some sound advice about how truth is the biggest relationship killer. Oh Izzy how i hate to love you. But hey you might well be onto something.

seriously this espisode was shit. some stingray shit. 

Connor is trying on ugly ties for Serena for her graduation party that night. She still goes to school? Really? Jailbait. 

Connor asks Carmella why she returned the money to Bounce. She tells him she did it so the cops would get off his back. He tells her he wants to talk to her mafia connections himself but she assures him to just trust her and leave it all to her.

Later on at the year 12 dance, which of course is being held at Scarlet Bar, because lets face it, there’s nowhere else to go in Erinsborough, Connor gets a phone call from Carmella, who tells him her connections aren’t very happy and want to see her now. She asks him to come along for support. Connor tells a very anxious Serena that the phone call was about the alarm going off at Bounce, and that he’ll be back soon. I am unsure as to why the security company would call Connor - a lowly employee, instead of Serena of Toadie, who actually own the shop.

Anyhoo, he goes along with Carmella, who eventually cracks and confesses that the whole mafia story was a lie, and that her mum lent her the $50,000. The next day, Connor visits Serena at school - because it would be way too convenient for him to talk to her somewhere else, say, at the house they share or something. He admits everything that went on with Carmella, which is basically nothing, and Serena runs outside crying.  hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Dylan and Stingray are still all tense from the robbery last week, and are finding it difficult to study for their final exams. Stingray is especially freaked out, and almost cracks and admits the whole thing to Sky. Luckily Dylan walks into the room as Stingray is about to confess, and ends the conversation. Sky is still suspicious. As she should well be, considering she was there when Dylan got the phone call from Stingray telling him he’d been kidnapped - I’d really like to know what explanation he gave to Sky after he rushed off to save his little brother, and why she never questioned him about it. Huge and very messy loose end there for the Neighbours writers.

During the year 12 dance, (where I might add, nobody is actually dancing) Sky makes a speech and thanks all the teachers for their support during the year. She presents Susan with a present from year 12, which turns out to be a framed caricature of Susan which looks nothing like her. Susan then announces an award for the student who has “risen to the challenge”. I predict it will be Stingray, and of course, it is. What a shock. As he is accepting his award he still looks all depressed and tense. Karl looks on in concern - he’s a shrink, ya know.

 Boyd spends muckup day squirting Janae with a water pistol when really he’d prefer to be squirting her with something else. She gets all bent out of shape that she’s all wet (in more ways than one) haha

Eat surrender: erm yea. 11/01/06

 Boyd keeps an eye out while she changes her clothes behind a parked car outside the school. Going into the girls bathrooms would be too easy I guess. Boyd pervs at her in the side mirror of the car and we get to hear their inner thoughts again, which is no fun at all.

Dave wins the lottery. OMG IM IN SHOCK.

Hazza (obv) coked up gives his ticket to dave and lil for the death plane AHAHAHAHAHAHAH this is important cos now hazza is gonna have guilt.  Dave is driving a sports car. SNORE.

Izzy finds her pills in Elle’s bag. Now what is beyond me is why elle doesnt have her bag? im sorry but this seems pretty stupid to me. no VERY FUCKING IDIOTIC. the girl clearly has no brain. Id be much better at spiking izzy than this. But id be spiking serena anyway. She decides to win Paul’s trust once and for all, so when Paul and Elle get home, she apologises for her behaviour and tells Elle she wants to be friends. She also says she has a hankering for some of Elle’s cooking. Paul is impressed and says they’ll have a celebration dinner. Please explain why ell is such a good cook?hmmm

Connor then tells Carmella it’s over with Serena. Feeling guilty, she tells him he doesn’t owe her any money and that the $50,000 is a gift. Shit, I wish I had friends like that… well… except for the whole sneaky plotting thing… Carmella kisses Connor and then of course Serena chooses that minute to walk in to tell Connor she’s moving out. She storms out of the house, and Carmella runs after her and tries to save Serena and Connor’s relationship. AS IF.

Boyd finally manages to arrange a date with Janae, but she’s still trying to play hard-to-get, so she brings Janelle along with them. The look of horror on Boyd’s face isn’t nearly horrified enough.

There is apparently loads of homeless people in erinsborough as the bishop family are at the soup kitchen.Im sorry but it doesnt look like a place where loads of homeless people would hang. But hey maybe hazzas coke source is being made known to me.

They sit down to dinner, and Izzy complains of her food tasting a little bitter. Paul says his is fine, so he tastes some from her plate and almost gags. He then finds a pill which is not hidden very well, in Izzy’s food. All i can say is why in gods name wasnt her food bitter when elle was spiking itr before? HMMMMMMM NEIGHBOURS WRITERS

'Dave new world' : hahahahahaha NOT FOR LONG.... 12/01/2006

Paul immediatly accuses Elle, and then searches through her bag where he finds Izzy’s pills. Izzy manages to get Elle to admit that she had been putting pills in her food, and Elle responds by telling Paul that Izzy has been seeing Ned behind his back. Paul takes Izzy’s side and tells Elle she has to go back to Gayle. But then as she’s about to leave, he has second thoughts and tells her she can stay. Gee it’s hard to leave Ramsay Street - you can’t even get thrown out. BORING.

 Ned admits to Elle that he’s just letting Toadie think he’s gay so that he won’t have to tell him his actual secret. Elle convinces him to tell her the secret, which he does, and she laughs at him. Unfortunately we don’t get to hear what the secret is, so I can only assume that it’s so dull that the writers think we’ll be so sick of this storyline by the time we hear it that we won’t care anymore.

I’m sick of Joe’s stupid Bouncer storyline, so I refuse to bother wasting my time recapping it, or your time having to read the shite.

Lou sees the winning lotto numbers and realises that David must have won. He tells Lil, who has no idea of David’s win. She proceeds to spend the rest of the week trying to get David to tell her without telling him she already knows. David however, spends the whole week realising how lucky he is to have a loving family and a roof over his head. Granted, it’s not his own roof, and there is something a little pathetic about being mid-forties and living with your dad, but nevertheless, he feels lucky. So he decides to donate all his winnings to the Salvos - still without telling Lil about it. It’s only after the money has been donated that he tells Lil, who pretty much goes off her nut. But then after he explains all his reasons, she too realises how lucky they are, and that’s the end of that.

Meh, whatever, they’re all gonna die next week anyway.


 Mister Mo Jangel: ah neighbours, neighbours, neighbours, neighbours. 13/01/06


Joe finds Janelle’s book on the computer. Now if I wrote a book slagging everyone I knew off I think I might hide it a little better but hey Janelle has less brain cells than I do when I am on acid (I assume I am not Harold you know) Lyn notices she has used the new towels and looks pissed I am too concerned with the fact Lyn is trying to be Sharon Osborne to notice.


Sleepover club girl and rat boy are asking Susan why she doesn’t love their dad fucker Alex anymore. She says “I am in love with Karl Kennedy the doctor of the world and I hate kids” so fuck off.

Some bouncer 5 shit, which you know I don’t recap. Kill Joe keep the dog I say. Then Joe send the book to everyone in lyns address book “erinsmail” I want to be on that address book. When does Lyn email people, and since when do you know everyone on your streets email address? No please tell me I want to know. You don’t? Thought so.  

Karl, Max and Steph are discussing the email they have received. Karl or Dr Karl Kennedy is furious at being described as ‘a lecherous alcoholic who can’t keep his hands off young girls and is secretly in love with the local hairdresser’! I feel like shouting ITS ME ITS ME Max or Tex Royland ‘the handsome but stupid local barman keeps his crazy sister locked up in a cage and can’t father any more kids because there ain’t no swimmers left in the pool’! Im sorry but im like its not fiction. I bet max would love to have izzy in a cage.

Janelle is trying to give Bree love advice and the first thing she needs to do is to get rid of Rachel and despite Bree’s protestations, she’s going back to school to do so! Now my advice would be SLIMFAST and if that didn’t work find some feeder website and join that for some loving. In the corner, Alex apologises for what Susan had to say to the kids earlier and promises to tell the kids once he’s had a definite timeframe (im praying its hours) from Karl after Karl has spoken to the specialist. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE SPECIALIST. KARK IS THE FUCKING SPECIALIST OF EVERYTHING MEDICAL!!! DON’T RUIN MY DREAM. FUCK YOU NEIGHBOURS.,
Some joe and Janelle book shit. This was funny but now I am tired of it. Snore.

Zeke asks if Bree is feeling OK and in her head she can hear Janelle’s voice telling her ‘that nothing interest more than disinterest’ (this stupid voiceover shit is doing my nut in)and so ignores him. Rachel asks if he’s upset her again and he claims he hasn’t. Janelle’s voice now tells Bree that a note will soon follow and bang on cue a note from Zeke appears. The voice tells her to put it in her lap without reading it, which she does, and Zeke wonders why she isn’t reading the note. The voice now tells Bree to select a hidden pre-written note and put that on the desk and read it. Bree now quickly gets out of her seat and calls Zeke “a scumbag” and naturally the teacher - shock horror someone other than Susan! - wants to know what she is doing. Bree tells the teacher Zeke wrote her a note and the teacher (after reading the note) tells him that it is crude and unacceptable and gives him an hour’s detention! I would be calling him ratboy but I forgot to so just cope with the zeke shit for now. Zeke is confused about this to say the least. The voice now tells Bree to move onto the next plan, which turns out to be insulting the teacher and she ends up with an hours detention too as the voice now says, an hour by herself and Zeke the freak! Oh wow I would have got fucking suspended for that shit.

 Alex is reading a poem when Karl approaches him after taking to his specialist. I think karl is just trying to act like he isn’t the specialist. They chat idly before Alex asks Karl how long he has got. I pray it is hours.

 Acid Women Janelle is chasing Joe. I snore harder. 
The teacher sets Bree and Zeke work to do for their detention before leaving and he wants to know why she called him ‘a scumbag’ and what did the note she gave to the teacher really say. Bree says the note was a joke saying he’d like to make out with her. (detention?)Zeke is aghast at this and wants Bree to tell the teacher the truth, which she refuses to do, so he threatens to tell her himself. After what she said im sure she would have a worse punishment, and who the fuck gets a joint essay as a detention. NEIGHBOURS WRITERS.

Acid Janelle is moving back into
Sharon sorry Lyns. I am not impressed. Put them on the death plane I say.

Bree tries to get Zeke to participate in the work the teacher gave them but he is still sulking even after she apologises. To get him to participate in something, she writes a sentence on a piece of paper and folds it over so he can write the next part. He doesn’t respond but Bree does this anyway and hands him the paper, to which he writes a bit before the teacher comes back in to see what they’ve done. Zeke has written some shite on some book the teacher hasn’t even read. YEA FUCKING RIGHT. Send him to some shity school Summer went to and be done with it. 

Alex comes in and gives Susan some good news - the tests have proved that he has longer than first thought and they have a kiss and a hug to celebrate. They cry tears of joy. I cry because he isn’t dead yet.


Saturday, January 7th, 2006

Week Ending 6/01/2006

Sorry its a bit late, it was that shit i didnt wanna bother. the only good thing this week was bree and her chocolat book with her chocolates inside. I really wanna book like that must have taken her ages...anyway onto this! OH hope you all had a new year and didnt get as drunk as i did...


“Spiggin' hufters” 3/1/06

after last weeks good titles i was expecting some goo'uns. this is shit. Please dont say caketaker to me ever again. EVER. thank you.

so anyway

As you may remember, we ended last week with Stingray and Dylan being forced (well i say forced)  into the car by Angry Ex-Con Roo and his unnamed yet equally angry ex-con friend.Who i actually think looks like a delinquent i have seen out and about.  Dylan tells them to let Stingray go but they tell him to shut up and drive. They also tell him to look under the seat and there's a gun in a bag. Oh my a gun.

Janelle tells Janae that they can move back to Lyn's. Meanwhile at the bar Joe points out all the reasonable arguments to Lyn of why they shouldn't but she says he can't boss her around. (is it me or is lyns hair today looking like a shit version of when sharon osbourne had hers like that?)Then he storms out. Steph comes over from behind the bar to talk to Lyn and they go for a walk. She tells Max to go after Joe. Good job they aren't working and there aren't customers or anything.

Janelle and Janae get boxes and start packing up their caravan. Janelle is about to throw out a pair of thongs saying she won't need them in the shower anymore. Janae points out that Joe showers at Lyn's. Janelle silently puts them back in the box.(the one thing i agree with her on)

The Jailbird mobile gets to a petrol station and they say Dylan has to rob it. In daylight. Dylan says he can't do it. They say he has to. Obviously they want him to get caught. Dylan realises he doesn't have a choice. He walks in and puts on a pair of sunnies and a hat. He walks up to the checkout and the guy says he'll have to scan them. Dylan calmly lifts his jumper and shows the guy the gun and tells him to empty the till. The guy does. Dylan takes it and says it's nothing personal. I almost expect him to add, "nice doing business with you."

Joe talks to Max and Lyn talks to Steph and we have jumping camera action. Joe doesn't want Lyn to think he's a doormat. Lyn doesn't want Joe to be able to push her around. Steph and Max both say to be honest and firm. Joe comes over and tells Lyn he misses her. She says she missed him too. Lots of mushy talk about how they care about each other more than anyone else and Lyn says she's going to tell Janelle they can't move back in. Then she's interrupted by Janelle and Janae noisily moving boxes in and saying loudly how happy they are to be back there. blah blah this is nearly as shit as the bouncer 5 storyline.

Steph tells Max she thinks the baby's room feels creepy every time she goes in there. Max thinks it might be rising damp. He says he'll check under the floorboards. Then he does and surprise, surprise, finds an old box. He pries it open and there's a whole heap of junk in there, including a pair of booties, a bolt and a horseshoe. They take it to the general store. Lou says it just looks like crap but Harold looks a bit creeped out and tells them to get rid of it. ( some shit storyline will follow) hazze continues to look really coked out at the moment.

Lyn tells Janelle they can't move back in. Janelle assumes it's all Joe's doing. She says she's already checked out of the park and won't get another good spot. She loudly tells Janae they can't stay and she doesn't know what they'll do. Lyn sighs and says they can park the bus out the front of her house if they want and use her facilities. Janelle cheers up. I don't know why Lyn thinks she's any better off, really. They'll still be coming and going all the time and costing her money.

The Ex-cons count the money. It is a total of $280. Woo-hoo! Then they kick Dylan and Stingray out of the car. Stingray says they should go to the police. Dylan says they can't.At this point the story is already boring me.

we had some other shit with boyd and janae i think, welll you know how i feel about that one.

"No hiding face" i feel like james blunt. THIS IS A SHIT TITLE. 4/01/05

Susan asks Lyn to be in her bridal party. Oh, how convenient. Now she can still do a shit bridesmaid hairstyle but at least it will be on herself. Susan says Lyn is lucky to have Joe and calls him gorgeous. Has she ever actually looked at the guy? They both gush about how blessed and lucky they are. Karl comes in and says he's sorry, assuming Alex has told Susan. He hasn't and Susan thinks Karl is still jealous. Im loving Karls shirts at the moment.

Rachel tells Bree that Zeke loves her but then admits she set it all up and pushed him into it. Bree gets upset and says they aren't friends anymore. Rachel goes back to Susan's and yells at Zeke for not doing better. Zeke just shrugs and says he doesn't understand women. Alex defends him and tells him it's no good to lie to people. And then realises he has to tell Susan about his cancer. DIE ALEX DIE. AND WHILE YOUR AT IT TAKE ZEKE! who names their kid Zeke? and why are rachel and zeke in the same class? BRING SUMMER BACK ALL IS FORGIVEN!

Karl comes to school to tell Susan about Alex. He goes serious and says he will break his Hippocratic Oath and then tells her Alex has lymphoma (see here he uses the normal term not the BLSHFHFHSHHF TERM)  and will die. Susan goes all rigid and tells him to go away. Karl does but I bet he does a little "do-do-do-do-do-DO!" conga style dance in the hall because he got to be the one to tell her the news.

Susan comes home. Alex sends the kids to the general store for tea.Not one to be funny but for someone so overprotective he lets them wonder in erinsborough at stupid o clock) He tells her about his cancer and she doesn't say she already knows. Susan jumps on the miracle cure bandwagon and says she's sure something will come up to cure him. Does anyone else remember when Madge died? The same thing happened then. Harold was convinced God would save her. And Susan and Alex certainly aren't half as religious as Harold. BAD NEWS ALEX.

The Timmons and Joe watch TV. In that usual amazing way, that whenever someone turns on the TV, it's right at the point where the important news story is on, the report on the hold-up comes on right away. Nobody recgonises Dylan however although the security footage they play looks quite clearly like Dylan wearing a hat and sunnies.

Alex tells Susan it's no good being hopeful. They both cry.Alex crying nearly made me laugh. Susan get back with Karl you moron.

Janelle worms her way into all her spawn eating Lyn's food for dinner, and then nearly sleeping inside by claiming they are all sick, but Joe points out that Oscar might catch something if he is around them. Lyn hadn't thought of that and says they can't stay. Out in the van Janelle seethes that Joe outsmarted her. Ah the pain of the bus. How a bus fits outside in a small close i shall never know. dont people complain? and poor lou stuck in his tent.

Alex tells Susan he knew he was going to die when he proposed to her. He wanted her to be the new mum for the kids. Alex says he needed to make preparations. He plays the "I'm dying" card. Susan cries. I laugh.

Gay it isn’t so: wow an actually half decent title - 5/01/05

Alex hastily tells Susan he said that all wrong, for fucks sake no he didnt.  Susan tearfully asks why he wants to hurt her so much but Alex replies he doesn’t, and that he’s only now accepting that he’s going to die yea and you want some lonley bint to look after the kids. RICH ALEX RICH.

Toadie tells Ned he's among friends and all the other clichés. Ned looks confused. Toadie tries to convince Stuart again : FED UP ALREADY WITH THIS SHIT STORY LINE. Later he buys Ned a Cher CD for Ned and tells him he wants his help in attracting more men to the shop. Toadie is two seconds away from volunteering to appear on the Mardi Gras float. Hey, he has already got a Lycra outfit.BORING COS WE KNOW HE ISNT GAY. moving on...

there is some shit between this but i dont care.

Karl comes to Susan's and she says they are both really unlucky in love. Karl defends Alex and says he was always saying how much he loved Susan. He says Susan shouldn't close her heart to him. It's basically conversation love where they crap on about love and how they used to be and Karl makes gooey eyes at Susan and she sighs. GET BACK TO FUCKING GETHER.

Karl comes to the bar and Izzy tries to be polite but he tells her it will be a cold day in hell before they can be friends. He leaves. Izzy looks upset. Elle tries to comfort her but she snaps at her. Ned goes into the office to talk to Izzy. Elle listens at the door. He talks about when they kissed and says he's never felt like that about anyone before. Ned leaves. Elle sees him come out and goes in and tells Izzy she knows about Ned and she won't let her hurt her dad. Obviously unaware that Paul himself has hurt a few people in his time. BORING.

Elle makes Izzy a cup of coffee and spikes it with something. Izzy says she can't drink it because of her diet. Paul says he'll have it and Elle panics Roll on the the crash cos quit frankly these story lines are shit.

Funniest moment today. Bree and the book chocolat i nearly pissed myself. ENOUGH OF JANAE AND NED ALREADY AND THE SHITTY DOPING IZZY BANANZA. thank you.

“Fool if you drink it’s over” does this make any sense? NO. 6.1.06

Elle bumps Paul (in a really comic way) and makes him spill it on himself. Now you would think if someone bumped you and made you spill boiling hot coffee all over yourself, you would be in some pain and possibly burned. Not here. Paul just looks mildly annoyed that he has to change his shirt. Apparently his leg isn't the only thing that's artificial.

Some crappy thing with serena and the bishops. anyone notice how they are trying to make them this super happy family at the moment cos they are gonna die. Meanwhile making harold really coked up.

Coke head goes on about the box etc (this is such an obvious example of how we are going to be dragged through this storyline) Joe looks at Max's wish list and points out that the next item on it is buying vintage scotch. Max says he can't. Joe says he should. We all know what happened last time Max did an item on his list and this one is gonna cost him serious money. He's already the sole income earner paying for two kids' education, as well as all the costs for the baby,what a fucking joke.

Elle makes a cup of tea for Izzy and one for herself. Izzy says she'd rather have Elle's and grabs it. Elle is forced to tip hers out: give it up already.

Connor meets Carmella at the general store. They order coffee and muffins (a ploy for him maybe from her or is that just my sick mind?) He tells her he doesn't love her anymore. She says he has to start making repayments on his loan now. He says he can't. She gets snappy. Harold comes over with their food and drink and Carmella thinks he's watching them. She yells at him and leaves. I don't know why Harold even bothers making people's orders. I mean, how often do we see them order stuff and then leave without eating or paying?

Max buys the $800 scotch at the bar with Joe. Paul sees it sitting on their table and says he drinks it as well and he didn't think Max would. "What does that mean?" asks Max angrily. "It means he's calling you a tightwad," Joe supplies helpfully. Max snootily calls for some crystal tumblers. Although you would think he could have gone and got them himself seeing as he owns the bar.

Elle makes dinner and gives Izzy her plate. Izzy puts it at Elle's place. Elle sees it and says it was meant for Izzy. "They're all the same, aren't they?" Izzy asks coolly. Paul  gets annoyed. Izzy dares Elle to eat it then. Elle looks uncomfortable and then Paul grabs it and dumps it in the bin. He thinks Izzy is still taking the pills and tells her she has to go to a rehab clinic. All i could think while i looked at this scene was mmmm food in actually looked pretty tasty. Still i reckon paul is a bit of a twat for not noticing all the stuff.

Connor and Serena are counting the till. He says he'll take it to the night safe alone even though two people are meant to do it. She agrees and goes on to meet her parents for tea. Then he gives it all to Carmella. Im sorry but HOW LIKELY IS THIS THE ONE DAY HE GOES ALONE HE GETS ROBBED - WAKE UP SERENA.

Karl, Joe and Max crack open the scotch. They have a big ceremony and finally take a sip. Max and Karl sound like they were wanking off. Joe spits it out and says it tastes awful. All class.

Serena and her parents are eating and waiting for Connor. They are wondering where he is, and then suddenly he comes in with all his clothes ripped saying he's been robbed. He's done an even shitter job than Jim Carrey in Liar Liar. At least he looked half convincing. Connor has basically smeared blusher on one of his cheeks and ripped his shirt a tad.

Pretty shit week i am hoping for a better one next week. Dont worry kids i think the first plane muder crash special will start a week on tuesday so you all have to look forward to. I did cry like a jellied eel but i had been on the beers so i would forgive me if i were you. Next week more exciting stuff.

Friday, December 30th, 2005

w/e: 30/12/2005

“Knowing Bree, knowing you” 27/12/05

Now i love this title, it is going into fabulous neighbours titles. This week was slightly more interesting than last. It all starts with Alex and Super Doc Karl. Karl tells super annoying Alex that he is only wanting to marry susan cos of the kids (muder the kids i say) and he is outraged HE IS NOT GOING TO DIE (man sooner rather than later neighbours writers) Look Alex if i were you id listen to super duper doc. Karl.

So this is where the stupid Janane and Boyd shit is gonna start. Boyds listens, tell Janae some stuff. BLAH BLAH BLAH WHO GIVES A FUCK. BOYD AND SKY UNITED TOGETHER.

Steph seems to have overcome her superbitch routine as she not only changes joes shirt but also makes a candlelit dinner for Lynny and Joe to celebrate bouncer 5's victory. Seriously she is having serious personality disorder issues  - go see Karl stephy.

Back to some Janae shit. But as i am more interested in ripping my hair out i am not going to discuss this shit story. DONT BE AVALIAVLE JANAE HE WILL COME TO YOU. yes neighbours you have reall outdone yourself on this one.

Now this is where i laughed this week: rachel is explaining to Zeke about his hot love for the bree. He did the maths and realised he must be in love. Now next time you dont know how you feel ask rachel she seems to know, blah blah moving onto the break brees heart and watch her eat part so i can laugh.

Alex then pisses me off. Hes a shit stirrer if i even i have seen one DIE ALEX DIE.

Its then all happy clappy fluffy shit with Lyn and co in the scarlett bar. I want steph to be a bitch so i can hate her. Its more fun to hate. DIE ALEX DIE. see.

The list: before the annoying shitty kid comes along: i wanted to tell steph not to run about she might cause an early labour and Karl isnt about. Hmmm who cares about the list.

Susan shouts at Karl: this is sexual tension if i ever saw. Karl is obv so much better in bed than shit Alex.

Bree is asked out by Rat Face: ah i can see the tears coming!

Janae plays hard to get.

Some shitty voiceover with Janelle: life doesnt get better than this.

Back to the list another boring storyline. Oh and steph so clearly wears the trousers.

Janelle tries to make up with Lyn, this bores me to tears really because i cannot think of two people i would not want to be friends with Janelle and Lyn, ah they make me sick.

Susan tells Zeke he is looking mighty fine. Ah well yea for a rat, maybe Sus can move onto Zeke when Alex dies cos lets be fair she has been getting through the men since her and karl broke up. Hmmm the hussy. For someone who is meant to be really bright Zeke is thick as shit. I just thought i would share this observation with you. Poor Bree i can see the downfall coming HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH sorry i love it. Then there is this stupid scene about Suse and how shes so glad she has a family again. Ah man melts the brain.

Then we go to super Karl. He is seeing life mechanics guy and trying to explain his illness blah blah
super karl to the rescue. Then Karl is of course seeing steph and then steph knows life mechanics guy, cos you know he like totally told her that her illness was totally her own fault, and that he totally tried to blame it all on Stu. Wowsers stus gonna be happy to hear this. I have two points. 1. Would karl not remember all this shit going on? hmmm 2. why in gods name if you were life mechanics guy would you come back to the same area you caused loads of shit? YEA RIGHT NEIGHBOURS WRITERS THINK THINK THINK



OH LOOK ITS THE ONLY COP IN ALL THE LAND!! STU ARRESTS LIFE MECHANICS GUY WOOT WOOT. ah the memories of live mechanics i loved those story lines.

I think karl and alex are bonding? could this be a twist? could Karl steal the love of hot bod alex? hmmmm he asks for a few more days......da du duuuuuhhh

"Nude, where’s my jar?" 28/12/05

Some shit about the painting. Sky sees the pills in Elles bag.

It’s the Harry and Dave show folks and today we are tambourine playing. Unfortunately, Dave ain’t got the rhythm. Carmella winds Serena up, HOW I LOVE IT. some photoshoot at bounce, someone better burn that place down soon.

Dylan is doing some shit, for the 20th anniversairy thing, THE PLANE WAHEEY SERENA AND LIL AND THE TAMBORINE MAN WILL BE DEAD SOON. Gee that Luca aka moses kid is gonna be gutted, ah well. Ah remember him, back in the incest days.

Elle is doing some shit, her mum isnt too concerned is she? i mean if i went out to my estranged fathers i think my mum would be a little concerned. Oh well this is neighbours. Paul is all concered about Izzy he is the first women he can be himself around in along time. WAIT ONE MINUTE. Did i just hear this? what about lustfil Lil? Man people are fickle.

Serena is all angry about the photoshoot and is mad at toadie(is it me or her tops getting lower and lower?) hmm anyway he is a hunk apparently. whos cares, not me.

Ned scurries out of the door. some new shit storyline is going to drag i can feel it in my cold inducing bones. Toadie is a little too concered about ned, more hot gay love? you decide. they stalk ned, he catches them, hes cross HE HAS SECRETS YOU KNOW. He tells Stuart that there are things about him that he won’t understand. Or something. I think we are supposed to suspect that Ned is gay. Does it matter? Apparently it does.

Sky the talented Artist, wants more naked love from Dylan, i dont care, you dont care i wont type anymore.  

Carmella and Izzy chat at Pauls, carmella says izzy looks ill. Now the woman was taking the pills by her own accord only last week and now she cant tell? WTF neighbours writers sort it out.

Some more serena and sky shit. blah blah shes only alive for a few more weeks so i cant be bothered with her.

Bakc at pauls dylan doesnt get the gig, so no plane? no serena, lusty lil, councillor bishop death..NOOOOOOO ha but i know it happens so i am letting this one slide. Izzy is ill, elle gets her some tea...hmmm i think i might be onto something here.

Back to sky and dylan and then the salvos come back and it is a neighbours trying to be funny but missing the mark well with a pointless scene.

A photo shoot at bouce, mind you, that could have been done in a studio because from where I sit there is nothing in Bounce that could not have been recreated in a studio with far better lighting. This would be why Neighbours would never hire me as a writer, because I’d always be like ‘that’s ridiculous, they would never do that in real life’ and they would go ‘you’re fired’.

Dylan has a hissy fit about them not using his proposal. WHO CARES. back to the caravan for you.
izzy collapses in the funniest way i have ever seen.

'The parent slap' 29/12/05

Right well today was slightly better than yesterday partly as there was no janae and boyd shit or any die die alex die moments. So izzy has collapsed, Paul accuses her of taking those psycho pills again and she gets all mad that he doesn’t believe her, and he makes her take a drug test. The test comes back positive and she accuses Elle of doping her, then she realises that she’s being ridiculous and starts believing that she’s been taking the drugs herself but hasn’t remembered doing so.

Elle feels a bit guilty and races out the front door and tosses the drugs into the bushes out the front of her house – the very bushes I have stood in front of. Ah. Memories. Seems however a bit of a stupid place to put them if you ask me. Elle is not growing on me either, i think i want her killed off.  

I didnt understand the whole Lou stealing food thing, and even if i did i cant be bothered with it. Although damn those sausages looked good.

Over at bounce Serena and Lil were pissing me off. I wish it was sooner so she dies.

At the photo shoot, Caramella is completely patronizing to Serena and Lil stands up to her, at which point Caramella tells her that Connor is only with Serena because he got bored while she was away. Lil slaps her one. Serena gets mad at her mum and tells her that this whole business is between Caramella, Connor and herself. For the record, Connor is on annual leave this week, because he hasnt made a single appearance this week. Lucky for me.

Later on, Stu Parker turns up at the general store to tell Liljana that he has been informed of the incident, and that while Caramella hasn’t pressed charges, he should let Lil know that if she eventually does press charges that Lil is probably going to Erinsborough Womens Prison.

Toadie and Ned are having breakfast in the general store and Ned approaches the counter to order a flat white. Flat white? Totally gay. Some random walks in and says ‘Ah, Ned! You were really great last week!’ and Ned looks like he wants the ground to swallow him up. The guy continues, ‘All the guys were really impressed!’ OH MY GOD! Guys, plural? Gay group sex maybe?

Toadie later tells Stu about what he has overheard, and like me, Stu appears completely disinterested.But later on does have a little hey your gay its okay thing with him. Ned is boring and quite frankly a bit of a twat.

Later on, Ned goes round to continue his work on Paul’s backyard, and he encounters Izzy crying on the lounge. This occurs just after her positive drug test comes back. He tells her it will all be okay, and goes in for the pash. She kisses him back and then shoves him away and is all mad that he’s trying to take advantage of her because she is the ‘Scarlet Woman’. Izzy, you know I love you and all, but you did call your bar the ‘Scarlet Bar’, so you have to admit at one stage you were quite proud of that tag.

"Catch me if Roo can" 30/12/05

Another quite clever title form the irony that is the neighbours writers.

Oh so anyway Harold and Lou are in the caravan park while lou is doing/selling/giving food away. I gave up caring along time ago. All i have to say is that if they are giving it away i would be  worried i mean they have to pay lou,hazza,lusty lil, tamborine man and sky so and last time i checked they werent exactly raking the money in. Come on hazza think about it, i persoanlly think that they need little rat zeke to do the books.

Karl is at the school doing the once fornightly clean. How he fits it all in i shall never know, and what is this big clean? they only have one classroom and one corridor it cant possibly take very long. Ah well. They have a little chat and Sus is all like whats up doc? haha god i am funny. And karl is all i cant tell you now, i just cant. Then later on he has this like little scene with hazza who tells him that he has to be morally right (remember when hazza left his morals behind? man this was fun esp when he told serena that sky was his fav) anyway back to the programme, karl obviously sees the light and is gonna tell sus about it obv. Poor old Alex NOT. and seriously for a man with cancer he is still fat, im sorry if this offends anyone but i am sure he would have lost some weight by now. this is neighbours time after all.

Anywayz Lynnie and Joe, Max and Steph seem to be getting on like a house on fire. God knows why since last week they hated one another, im thinking it was the talk that boydy gave them. Anywayz apparently max and joe had been bunjee jumping (yea right coming from max the man who was afraid of going in a hot air balloon so didnt. Then we are back to the list i really thought when i heard steph say ‘Oh, I didn’t realise you wanted to do that!’  it must have said ‘Do it with Steph up the bum’ but apparently it said ‘Do stand up comedy’. Max strikes me as a funny cunt so it comes as no surprise to me. Not.

So he gathers a crowd in the Scarlet Bar and does his stand up routine, and he tanks, but as he’s being heckled by Janelle, Staph pushes her forward and says ‘Can you do better?’ and she gets up and does a routine all about her life on the bus with teenagers. Even though her jokes are no better than Max’s, everyone is rolling about the place laughing. But she is a sad clown, and Lyn feels guilty about her tales from the bus, and the next day she invites her back to live at her place. Joe is furious and gives her an ultimatum – it’s either her or the Timmonseses. Yep. Oh yea then steph thinks something is wrong, of course there isnt but doc karl is to the rescue. blahblah

Earlier we see this kid in the coffee shop like I AM TRYING TO HARD TO FIT IN THAT I SHALL NOT BE SEEN BUT THE CAMERA MAN IS MAKING ME LOOK LIKE THIS ON PURPOSE. yea so i blatently knew he was gonna do something and he does, he kidnaps stingray and then gets dylan to come to him. Im sorry but stingray was trying a little too hard to make it look like he didnt want to be kidnapped. this storyline is going to bore me. but his kidnapper is called roo hence the title, oh and dylan grasses on him. who cares. apparently i should, but i dont.

other news, dylan is uglier than ever, steph is having a boy, skys artwork looks like a 5 year olds, and dylan has the murder serena is gonna die soon project back.

neighbours is back on monday along with me, and i shall post the update next friday. Have a happy new year my fellow neighbourettes and dont be too pissed by 9pm. On an other not for all you eastenders fans i feel the need to mention this, dennis is dying tonight and i am not happy about it. i shall probably cry like a moron after drinking too many beers. Oh and the E4 voiceover man is the funniest ever, i am strnagely attracted to him. One Love.

Wednesday, December 28th, 2005

WEEK ENDING 23/12/05

Since this week was one big pile of shite i am recapping by characters. Seriously i know we are behind in the episodes but come on BBC give me something to work with.


Janae and Boyd:


Since when has fucking Boyd become this ideal son? no please share it with me. I fucking hate him DIE DIE DIE ok so i am getting a little carried away. Seriously why is he interested in Janae? he and Sky were such a much better couple and i am still mourning Sky and Dylan getting together to cope with this shit. So they kiss blah blah blah and then Janae doesnt think she is good enough, and Boyd isnt ready for commitment (not really whats going on with character names?) sorry only just noticed that neighbours writers have shit for brains when it comes to names. This is a stupid storyline which is going to go on and on and then will result in them getting together and living happily ever after until Sky and Boyd get back together (which will happen just keep staring at the screen and chanting sky and boyd united together). So then we leave with Janae chanting insults with Janelle (WHAT THE FUCK WITH THE NAMES) and Boyd listening. Well i can tell you next week will just be Boyd and Janae will play silly games. Another exciting week to look forward to.


Joe and Lyn:


My My. I am not going to give much effort to the storyline going on here. Bouncer 5 and this stupid storyline with Audrey.And Janelle stealing the dog to stop Bouncer winning the race. Nope nothing of any interest here. Steph is also being a prize A bitch again, and seems to have this week gone from having no bump to an enormous one. GREAT.


Janelle and the Caravan Park:


Oh look a new set: great. This is another boring storyline that is going on and on can we just not blow the bus up and be done with it? And now Lou lives there in a Tent. Well we didnt see that one coming.


Rachael, Zeke, Fat Face Brie:


Can someone put her on a diet? please. comic moment of neighbours this week was Brie saying how she was going to starve to death because they only had powder milk and cereal. STARVE TO DEATH? erm ok them. I laughed hard i tell you. Brie got stood up on a date to the science fair with rat face Zeke (SEE NAMES?) then he gave her flowers or something, and they are going on another date. And Rachel from the sleepover club (which i happened to watch yesterday and i have decided she is a bitch in that and i cannot see her in any other light) who acts like an innocent little thing was talking to Brie about love (well actually Brie was telling Rachel all about it - if i were Rachel i would have been laughing because Brie has never even kissed a boy but seems to be able to write a book about it) which is also boring. Oh and Stingray went over to the halfway house of Susan to beat up Zeke (who i might add looks more and more like a ferret everytime i see him) Susan saves the day. Hurrah. Thats about it for them.


Susan, Alex, Karl:


OMG KARL IS BACK thank goodness noone has had an accident since he has been gone. Its ok Steph you can now go into Labour. Alex proposing to Susan again. This time she says yes. The kids - including Bree - all run in and have a group hug. I’m sure Susan’s realised she’ll have a couple of stepkids, but I can’t help but wonder if she realises she’s adopting Bree Timmins into her family as well.


Susan tells Rachel and Zeke all about her 3 kids, which is handy as we get a little history lesson about Ramsay Street. She tells them where each of her children are now, and I can’t help but wonder… PLEASE CAN JESSE SPENCER FAIL IN THE US AND COME BACK TO ME.


Later on that night, Alex collapses in Susan’s kitchen. He manages to get up, but Susan comes in and tells him he doesn’t look well. Susan and the kids fuss over him the next day and he tells them it’s just the flu. But alas, Alex never turns up for work the next day. Rachel and Zeke worry away, wondering where he could be. And where is he? Talking to… that creepy Life Mechanics guy! I was so hoping he’d revisit Erinsborough. Apparently he is now a spiritual healer. He offers Alex 6 weeks worth of healing sessions for the bargain price of $5,000. Alex agrees, and the creepy guy (whose name escapes me) starts doing some voodoo shit on him.

 Karl is concerned that Alex has not told his children that he is dying from the disease-with-the-cool-name-a-loma. Alex insists this is because he’s not dying, because he’s seeing the life mechanics guy who will heal him. And allegedly, since seeing the healer he’s been feeling a lot better – which is why he’s asking Karl to upgrade his medication, I guess. Later, Karl bumps into Susan at the Scarlet Bar and they go back to her place to look at photos of his trip. Karl has one of those little puffy photo albums with actual printouts of 5x7 photos. So nineties – I love it. Stingray comes in to say something pointless, but to advance the plot he says ‘Congratulations on the engagement, Suze’.


Karl is taken aback, not in a bad way, just in a ‘what the fucking-fuck?’ kind of way. Which makes it all the more comical when Alex enters and sees Karl. Karl realises that Alex hasn’t told Susan about his supercalifrajalisticexpialidocious-a-phoma and she’s getting sucked right in. He storms out and goes back to the pub.


But then he decides to go right back!


He walks in and demands a word with Alex, but Susan totally kicks him out. Later, Alex goes to Karl’s surgery and threatens him not to break his confidentiality. I LOVE IT. one of the better storylines this week.


Max and Steph:


Steph as i said earlier is being a bitch. I used to like her but i have changed my mind. Max well he is on my hit list at the moment with Alex and Boyd. Oh and Serena KILL HER ( shes ok though as i know she is going die and i cannot wait) Max is doing that proud parent look i wish i could do it but it is fab. He crosses his arms and sort of smiles smugly. Hes always doing it with Boyd. A key example of this was when Steph and Joe were fighting and Boyd jumped up and told them all to calm down. Max did it then. AMAZING. Other than that they are boring so i am moving on. Oh Steph got her hair done and it look no different, but Lynny did sneak her a hair treatment for free. WHY DOESNT THIS HAPPEN TO ME?


Paul, Izzy, Elle:


Elle is pissing me off already. This is a really boring storyline and ensues a long drawn-out snooze-fest which ultimately ends with Paul believing Izzy over Elle. Whatever.


Toadie, Stu, Ned and Erinsborough Comp. :


Toadie and Stu convince Lou to enter, and somehow get him to believe he has a chance of winning wearing a tiny speedo. They tell him he looks just like David Hasslehoff in his speedos. Before he can get to the competition, Harold spots him in all his glory and drags him over to Toadie and Stu and gets them to admit it was all a practical joke. I am very disappointed, as I was waiting on the edge of my seat to see Lou enter the competition and be laughed off the stage.


Later on at the house o’ trouser, Lou and Toadie have a bit of a hallmark moment where Toadie apologises to Lou and tells him he thinks of him as a father. Then there must be a scene that didn’t make it past the cutting room floor, because before we know it, the writers are trying to get more use out of their new set by moving Lou into a tiny tent at the West Waratah Caravan Park.


Back at the competition, Ned is all nervous because he is unlucky contestant number 13. He’s all ready to get out onto the walkway when he gets a case of the nerves, and to settle him down, big brother Stu offers to give him some moral support by getting his gear off and walking with him, which I guess satisfies the partial nudity clause in Blair McDonough’s contract.


After Ned and Stu strut their stuff on stage, Lil announces that they have a last minute entrant. Joe Mangel walks out wearing footy gear and a blonde mullet. After a brief discussion, the judges announce there has been a tie for first place, between Ned and Joe. Now, first of all, ignoring the fact that Joe looks like a bogan loser in a bad wig, the judges are Serena, Sky, and Lil. Unless I am mistaken, I believe that 3 cannot be evenly divided by 2. How on earth did they manage to come up with a tie? Secondly, even if Joe was a serious contender, I think there’s a bit of nepotism going on here with his daughter being a judge and all. But anyway, the judges confer again and decide to award first place to Ned, but only because Joe didn’t buy his outfit from the bikini shop. Shame, that.


Carmella, Serena, Connor:


Please share with me how Connor manages to get all these fit women fighting over him? Hmmm. Carmella is back and Serena is acting all loved up now cos you know shes an adult and connor loves her. Neighbours time moves so quickly. Before long she will be pregnant - she might even beat steph to it. Lil and David are all loved up, im sorry i was going to write a seperate area for them but i changed my mind. And Harold looks really coked up at the moment. Just an observation. Blah Blah boring stuff going on.


So thats all for now. i cannot be bothered to write anymore about any of the shit that is going on. But hey join me next week for more fun. I am going to get drunk as it is christmas. Oh have a good one and dont forget that neighbours is on next week except on monday. But hey if you miss it i doubt you will be missing much.


Oh people if you know any neighbours fans sign them up!
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